daily fires

I've had the conversation with just about every single foreigner I know in Haiti, and it generally ends in consensus. The day-to-day grind here, most of us agree, can be utterly exhausting. Still, it upsets me to admit it or write about it here on the blog, a place that, for me, is the only written record I have of my experience. I feel like I'm giving in, admitting that they were right all along, saying, "Yes. You're right. It's hard here." I hate it most because, at some point or another, I've wanted to tell all of those people to go home. "If it's so hard and you're so miserable," I want to proclaim, "then why don't you just pack your bags and leave."

Most people do leave at some point. Development workers are imported and exported just like any other product in the Haitian marketplace. My group of expat friends changes depending on which project gets funding, whose contract is up, and who found a "better" opportunity somewhere else. In my experience, most people don't stay for more than a year. There are exceptions, but they are not many.

The whole "stay or go" discussion seems ridiculous, of course, when you compare it to the plight of most Haitians who will never leave the country, despite dealing with more on any given day than I will in weeks or months or years. Yes, every person has his or her problems, but I think it's fair to say that some have a harder time of it than others. Take, for example, the fact that this whole blog post stems from the fact that I had some car problems over the past couple of weeks. Namely, I replaced the struts, my clutch burned out, I got a (ridiculous) ticket for running a red light, and I had a flat tire. All of those things ate alarmingly quickly into my savings, but I know I don't need to explain how minor that is compared to, say, dealing with downpours in a tent or feeding your family.

Still, though, that chain of events left me daydreaming of easier, more familiar days. Unfortunate things happen elsewhere, too, but it's nice to feel like you have a little more control over things that are happening and a more solid support system. I realized how much I missed those things after I got back from the D.R. a couple of weekends ago. A lot of my good friends have since moved on from their D.R. experiences, but there are a few left and, more than anything, it's a familiar place. Consecutive weekend visits from friends (Rob and Barbora, who patiently dealt with my car problems with me) and family (my mom, who took me to the beach!) left me feeling a little better about my ability to fend for myself here, and that's important.

Kenbe la, pa lage. Hang in there, don't let go. Sometimes, no matter how hard you might try to be positive and convince yourself that everything is great, you might just be better off hanging on and weathering the storm.

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On a final note, my friend Elizabeth sent me this quote and I thought I'd share it.

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death. -James F. Byrnes

If I listened to all the scary stories that people told me about Haiti and the rest of the world (The War on Terror, anyone?), I'd never leave my house. I think Mr. Byrnes had it right.